I’ve had bad luck for pretty much as long as I can remember. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened an umbrella in the house or broken a mirror…who knows? Either way I’m desperately waiting for it to come to an end. Steven and I thought that the ultimate heartbreak would be losing our child but in trying to grieve and heal we were confronted with the horrifying possibility of never having children again, leaving us wondering if the torment and stress would ever come to an end.
Infertility is something that many couples deal with privately and anything you say or do can offend, which is not my intention for those brave couples who are doing it tough to get their blessing and have for much longer periods than us. I am young, one of them and this is simply our story. When we had Eden the Nurses before we left said “six weeks and you’ll be fine to try again”. Like fuck I thought. Just under two months post birth I started bleeding and being due for my period I just dismissed it. It wasn’t until I bled for five weeks straight that I thought something must be wrong.
I went back to the team that had treated me at the Hospital and after some testing was diagnosed with a Uterine AV Malformation. After giving birth to Eden I couldn’t pass my placenta as she was so premature that it wouldn’t come away from my uterus wall therefore requiring surgery. During surgery they had scraped too far into my uterus lining and as a result nicked some blood vessels and arteries which then fused together, unable to heal correctly. I met with a few people after that and was told that what I had was rare and they recommended a hysterectomy. Obviously noticing I was young, wanted to have more children and would do whatever necessary I was given the alternative of Embolotherapy (in short terms, it would mean intentionally blocking the artery/blood vessels with an object to prevent haemorrhaging). If this surgery were successful I could go on to have more children although it lessened my fertility by up to 50% (unfortunately I was never one of those women who claimed to have just looked at their partner and fallen pregnant in the first place so it was looking dim already), restricted blood flow to my uterus (meaning if I fell pregnant again there would most likely be serious complications with supply to my placenta/baby) and lastly if it was not successful I would have to go ahead with a hysterectomy.
It was a lot to take in. Personally I think it’s too much to take in for two twenty-one year olds but who am I to say what’s normal? After that appointment I think mentally I aged another twenty years. Steve and I decided we would have to discuss this further before committing to any decisions which they then responded with “you’ll need to act fast because if you haemorrhage before we do operate you’ll have no choice but to have a hysterectomy”. Bewildered that my life was on a downwards spiral, we went home and I clearly remember writing so many lists and asking myself many things. Constantly thinking. Crying. I felt like I had already failed as a Wife, a Mother and as a woman. How much longer could this go on for? Why can’t I do what I was designed for? Was there light at the end of the tunnel?
Even though we could always adopt and I know I could love any child like my own I also know I would miss out on the experience of a full term pregnancy and to watch our own flesh and blood grow. Something I never thought I would have to consider seriously until now. From a young age I think I mothered majority of the people I had ever met, I knew I wanted children young and so did Steve (just one of the many things that made us fall more in love at the fragile age of seventeen) but in this very moment and for the last five months since we lost Eden I feel absolutely useless and almost desperate to find a crystal ball to look into the future and see if any of this will be worth it in the end. I don’t know whether to keep pushing forward, I am really unsure of whether I can…or to throw my hands up in the air and surrender to a hysterectomy before it’s potentially decided for me.
The short term solution the Hospital provided while we waited for more answers and made decisions was for me to get back on the contraceptive pill, they hoped this would stop the bleeding. It did. But it also did more. I went back a couple of weeks later to have more tests/scans and to make our decision when they noticed the Malformation was smaller. I was then monitored monthly to see what was going on and over the last four months we have watched my Uterine AV Malformation slowly start disappearing. Something the hospital has said they haven’t seen before in a case like mine. Finally, a fucking miracle amongst the despair I call my life. We are still not out of the woods and have more testing and trials to confirm whether it’s healing temporarily or permanently but we are finally back to following a trail of crumbs. This could go one of two ways still and the next few months should hold some more answers. I don’t know where it will lead us and I’m trying so hard to keep moving forward and stay positive but how long can anyone go through this for? Will it be worth it? I guess I have to keep on going to find out.